Thursday, March 16, 2017

Ranch-ers! REPRESENT...

Well, from the looks of this new online shoppe, it appears that the valley has been discovered...
(bejeweled bottle)
That's right folks, from t-shirts to bejeweled bottles, this Hidden Valley storefront has all your ranch related needs (ahem... wants) covered. Don't forget to pick up a RANCH FOUNTAIN for your next terribly disgusting dinner party!
(bottle coozie)
Right. I'm not a ranch hater or lover. I appreciate the love and dedication that whoevers the fuck put into this.
Then!!, from this article on Delish, I learned that March 10th is "National Ranch Day", so now I'm pissed and retract anything nice I might have said about ranch.
If any dressing deserves a holiday, it's definitely NOT ranch... maybe Franch tho? (celebrated as Thousand Island Day in Canada)??

I can see all the way through this ruse.
The valley isn't so hidden anymore.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Korean Fusion Salad Taco...

Q- Is it really salad?
A- ...of course it's salad, fool!
Q- Why?
A- Because this is MY f'ing blog!
...Now somebody get me a food truck, stat.

Designed and constructed by artist Erica Ryan Stallones.
Materials: lettuce, noodles, maybe kimchi.
Dressing: pork I believe.

*My daughter needs a horse.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Gourmet Garden- Land of the free...

Sooooooo. This is exactly the type of stuff I NEVER buy (esp. with a name like Gourmet Garden). But guess what...
I didn't! It was free!!

A selection of run-of-the-mill herbs (and spices) available in gel form, or "lightly" dried, found up in the salad zone at market.

I chose basil things, becuz my foreseeable menu required basil things. Label reads that it stays fresh for up to 4 months after opening, which is nice. Also says it's or-gan-ic... like I give a fuck, it was free.


Taste= 4 (I guess... I mean it's basil)
Uses= ...multiple. (Yes, salad)
Creative Name= 0
Price= 10!

Good while it's lasting...

"Herb Hub":

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Saladini The Magnificent...

These cardboard bounds were of little match.

From farm to table. 
Then! Suddenly! Poof!
For its next challenge, defy drowning in dressing.

Overpaying customers. Step right on up.

Behold The Great Saladini.

Monday, January 9, 2017

You Wish-Bone!

Dear Wish-Bone,

To start, I found this combination of words: "Ristorante Italiano Garlic Parmesan Vinaigrette", ridiculous and ultimately kinda insulting. 
However, at $1.99 a bottle I figured it would least be a good investment for the sole purpose of adding a much needed scathing review on this site.
Adding flecks of "parmesan" (cheese?) + garlic ort does not make this special or separate from the pack in any sense. I mean what's wrong with a title like: "Vinaigrette Dressing With Stuff In it".

Alas, the label reads "Authentic Italian Recipe"... surely stripped straight from the pages of the age old family recipe book of some guy who opened a Fazoli's franchise outside of Cleveland er something.
Yeah, combining water, vinegar, oil (not olive). not a new trick.
Wish-Bone, take it easy. 
Stick with making ranch...
Unless you're interested in buying my "FRANCH" recipe, then yes! please contact:

Jeremy Kennedy:

Friday, November 25, 2016

yo! gurt!

yogurt dressing.... can't say i'm fan in the least.
honestly, the only reason i picked this up was becuz it was ABSOLUTELY FREE!

do i like anything from bolthouse farms?! oh, i like that chai drink thing... totes taser.

this wasn't bad for a weird-ass yogurt dressing. i mean i'll never actually buy it, but yeah...
eat yogurt anytime you want, and use salad dressing on salad. 

however, if this is yr thang, i thought the mildly sweet onion tones provided a nice mask for the sometimes overwhelming feeling of "why am eating yogurt covered romaine?!"

i srsly do not have anything against yogurt.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

The Return of FRANCH...

With the big foods laying in wait tomorrow, do i really need to remind anyone of the wonders of FRANCH and the impact it will have on yr T'givings table?!
Impress yr friend and/or family with worldly excellence in taste.
FRANCH "livens up" any dish... even the really bland, flavorless one that will have you questioning why you even bothered to prepare!

Lucky for you FRANCH has been reborn in this fantastic new guide into culinary outer-limits by: Goatmother Industrial + Table-Blue Brand.

Along with so many other exciting food ideas, most of which are about as appropriate for thanksgiving as a boxful of plastic bags would be in a baby's crib.