Sketchy Salad in Only 2 Months?

While never doubting the brutal truthfulness of Reductress, we just had to wonder...

   Is it possible for a woman to grow a salad, sketchy or otherwise, in only 2(two) Months??

Image by Reductress.

Yup!

It IS totes truly possible, even easy feasy to go from seeds in dirt to tiny mouthfuls of sad, slumpy salad in two(2) months -- or less!

After selectively skimming the work of others, along w/ a flurry of related search results, we discovered that vegetables can grow really fucking fast!  

For starters, leaf lettuce, generally matures fast, in about seven to eight weeks, which makes it ideal for a home garden. As a bonus, it can really be harvested anytime you see leaves big enough to eat, making it ideal for the general pace of life + unevolved patience that has one wondering why they ever thought a garden was a good idea in the first place.

Next in our living salad bowl is the radish. Generally considered to be the fastest-growing vegetable, the radish can be harvested as soon as 3-4 weeks after planting. While there's an outside chance of pulling off a few cucumbers or baby carrots, stick to the produce aisle for standard salad faves onions + tomatoes.

If timing is everything, we should point to the publish date of the original post in question, May 14, which is a perfect point on the calendar to plant this pathetic pursuit! Another truth-o-meter star for Reductress, which we discovered during our research for this article is a feminist news satire site, which parodies the way the media talks down to women. 

Unbiased research + countless unread articles aside, lettuce smile for salad + DIY enthusiasm! We hope this encourages all aspiring, overidealistic salad farmers out there to not go too hard on themselves, or the lettuce leaves, + we look forward to a bumper crop of aimless, sputtering personal social media posts + blog entries this harvest season!

*Thanks again to Ms. Canada for another absolutely apposite prompt! Nice follow up to "women laughing alone with salad"! 

And the post following the previous post is...

The

Count Yr Dressings™
Open Call for Articles of Interest

for May 2024

(published in this Leo's month of August, 2024) 

winner was...

____________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Skinny Girl™, Discontinued (for Honey Dijon)
by Emji Saint Spero

what is that thing that women do when they eat salad?
i can't remember.


it's been so long.
since i've been a woman


or it could end like this:

____________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________

To emji it may concern,

Thank you for finally submitting to Count Yr Dressings!

Submission(s) Accepted and you are herein notified that though you have won, we encourage you and all accepted submission(s) to remember,

Nobody Wins Ever.

Wild Arugula Dreams on a Bed of Baby Spinach on a Sea of Vinaigrette. - CYD

For more terrific, though largely non-saladacious, work
by Emji Saint Spero, visit saintspero.com

And We'd Like To Thank...

...Baseball Card Vandals for fronting this dressed-down, motivational powerpoint of a piece! Pure taser-mounted chainsaw energy to get us back in the game. Announcing Count Yr Dressings™ Open Call for Articles of Interest (Submissions) for May 2024!

Image Credit: Baseball Card Vandals (https://shopbcv.com/)

I mean... look, we haven't posted single fucking follow up since 2(two)02(two)-fucking-2(two). Somebody hast, on the sliding scale of hast, to do this. That said, this is now your problem, and we're absolutely ready of capability and willing to make it damn happen to you - like it happened to us.

Send SUbmissions to: kennedy.tableblue @ gmail.com
Deadline: 11:11pm, April 15, 2024
Fuck taxes. Get dressed. 

*Article Submission Guidelines: Just take a look around

Ken's Steakhouse Peppercorn Ranch Dressing Concern (Part Two - Co-Plaintiff)

 On the 29th day, no response...

from Ken, with no resolution (DPI), thus enters founding editor/co-concerned/artist Jeremy Kennedy...

Not so much from Ken himself, but still more concerning the situation surrounding his "just alright" dressing.

I

I

V

STILL Awaiting Reply.

TO BE CONTINUED...

*Disclosure: CYD has absolutely no issues or complaints concerning Ken's original Ranch, Bleu Cheese, and/or Caesar dressings, OR  that other one that happens to be vegan. Yet. Vegan.

Ken's Steakhouse Peppercorn Ranch Dressing Concern (Part One - Lead Plaintiff)

 On the 23rd day, there was an issue...

with Ken, herein addressed by artist Emji Saint Spero.

Not so much with Ken himself, but more concerning the situation surrounding his "just alright" dressing.

I

I

V

Awaiting Reply.

TO BE CONTINUED...

*Disclosure: CYD has absolutely no issues or complaints concerning Ken's original Ranch, Bleu Cheese, and/or Caesar dressings. Yet.

Breakable news - The Free French!

Goddamnit, today is so fucking dumb. However! Big snacks to CYD follower pal, Elaina Morgan for bringing this desperate not-headline by Michael Levenson to our attention!

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/20/us/fda-french-dressing.html

"French dressing can be easily forgotten..."
Yes, very true. Honestly, I haven't even noticed "French Dressing" since I was in short pants, and I thought "French Dressing" closed, and only Portuguese-speaking people ate at "French Dressings", nor have I tasted this substance since like, elementary school (When I spoke Portuguese?), and that can just be chopped up to a bad call at the cafeteria because I was a child = idiot. And I have never ever seen a French person use this product.

The begging question, void of answer, in this excellent article concerns this statement:
" — a sticky, sweet, carrot-colored blend..."
"Carrot-colored". Yes. But why? Why, why, why is it that colour?

So, then, I actually read the article and it said something like:
"The F.D.A. said consumers had come to expect that French dressing will contain tomato or “tomato-derived ingredients” and will “have a characteristic red or reddish-orange color.”

So then google said some bullshit like:

"And our “French dressing” wasn't French at all! ... I've always loved the reddish American “French” dressing, which is basically a French vinaigrette sauce punched up with tomato ketchup (sometimes tomato soup) and other flavorings such as Worcestershire sauce, garlic and sugar."

Then, blah, blah, blog, it's been determined at CYD, that it is ketchup, but thinner, becuz all the water, and other very stupid stuff.

While Count Yr Dressings has no real "Opinion" on this terrific article, we do support the congressional repeal of the provisions of a federal law criminalizing unauthorized use of Smokey Bear and Woodsy Owl, but still frustrated over the publishing industry's lack of resolve in lobbying to absolve protective rights for the workable attribution "Choose Your Own Adventure".

*For disclosure, Count Yr Dressings has requested special membership status from the Association for Dressings & Sauces. They have not responded by the time of publication.

**Also, chose "Franch" as an unhealthy, but amusing alternative.

***Also also, fuck industry groups. I hope that does not jeopardize any opportunities for future engagement and/or money.

La Tourangelle Organic Creamy Ranch Dressing

Hmm... I actually rather like this, which means this is going to be a very boring post.

Oil heavy w/ pretty swell avocado and lemon vinegar going on. Don't forget the garlic. Ever.

Also, Gluten Free, Vegan, Certifiably Organic, Low Sodium..."Artisan" (ha!), and probably a buncha other noise I don't care about.

That's it. It's good.

*U.S. ranchers! DO NOT APPLY.