La Tourangelle Organic Creamy Ranch Dressing

Hmm... I actually rather like this, which means this is going to be a very boring post.

Oil heavy w/ pretty swell avocado and lemon vinegar going on. Don't forget the garlic. Ever.

Also, Gluten Free, Vegan, Certifiably Organic, Low Sodium..."Artisan" (ha!), and probably a buncha other noise I don't care about.

That's it. It's good.

*U.S. ranchers! DO NOT APPLY.

Puree-ly Garbage

Ya know why these are sitting on top of a trash can? Cuz that's where they're goin'! Cuz they're fucking trash!

I don't even know how this stuff came to haunt my refrigerator. (actually, becuz they were two for $2). BOLD FLAVOR?! Jah, sure, if you have the taste sensitivity of a Swiss toddler.

Cauliflower puree, tomatillo puree... that's all good and fine, puree whatever yr fucking heart desires, but give me a fucking break with the "POWER DRESSING" bit, ya dig? Healthy, sure, probably. I don't see it killing anything except my goddamn salad!

Also, STOP using classic salad dressing names for shit like this. That's not ranch, and that's not Italian, and you fucking know it. If yr so damn clever with weird appropriations of vegetable matter, then surely there's someone on yr fantastically food fuel focused team that can easily dream up some super obnoxious names for yr game!

Please spare the time-tested traditional tags the indignity of having their names marred for the sake of shelf recognition... actually, just spare me. 

not so concealed carry

she strapped.

her valley is not so hidden, nor properly refrigerated (pretty sure that's an open container).

nice tassels without hassles.

(wear a mask)

someone give this gal a ticket. for any of the above. or below.

nicely shared to cyd by ms. chelsea rector.

packin' ranch.

Faux-PA!

Recently found myself, yet again, with another hoof-snookering Litehouse product in my refrigerator. And yes, once again, because it was on sale. Such a tired process, but if didn't do this, I'd have to start writing more positive reviews...

So here we have OPA's Tzatziki Ranch Greek Yogurt Dressing.

Ok, so with a grain of self-isolated compassion, this isn't AS tired date as other Litehouse products or yogurt dressings I've dealt with before. Though the tzatziki is only there in spirit, and the ranch thing... well, it's fucking yogurt, but ok for one spinached-up bowl, if you doll it up with more flavorful distractions.

Still, on the whole, it's not good. I definitely did not exclaim "OPA!", but on the second attempt, I did feel like smashing a plate... alas, NOT in the intended celebratory attitude. Maybe as I was eluding to, useful a base. If desperate.
*Not terrible w/ cucumbers.

And another note for clarification... As I've often expressed my distain for yogurt dressings, this largely only applies to bottled, store bought varieties. I have enjoyed many homemade and tasty restaurant offerings. There is just something about the mass produced selections that wrings out a residual aftertaste, something akin to what i recall about diet sodas. At the market, the word yogurt on the label is at best a cause for hesitation, but often simply a non-starter.

Visit their official website to discover more of their disgustingly generic products, which unfortunately, some of you may enjoy!

What the fuck, Girard's?!?!

Fuck this noise.

[Some readers] Everyone [may recall] knows Pierre Girard's Champagne dressing has forever been probably my flavourite over-the-counter grabs EVER! (Some of the other varieties are pretty good too). One of the key elements to the brand's appeal has forever been it's distinctive triangular bottle... 

ºsmilesº

...and...so....

WTFUCK!? ?! !  WHY CHANGE IT? ? ! !? ?

≥not smile≤

😊 - Triangle = Taser Factory - 👍

😡 - Square = Tired Date - 👎

Why?!?! Now instead of the poser sophisticated charm of the triangularly-based vessel we knew and loved, we find ourselves with this dumbass skinny, square tower thing. Totally tired date.

For some answers, I checked out Ardagh Group, the team they turned to to "refresh" the design. Argadgh proudly implicate themselves in this bullshit travesty, and highlight such reasoning as...
- "...it is more efficient and increases shelf holding power at retailers by 33%..."
- "...optimized for manufacturing, filling and packing..." 

I don't give a fuck about the retailers or the manufacturers! Destroy a (the) standout, if not near iconic, elements of one of, if not the only reasonably priced, not gross, store bought dressings on the market just so you can fit a few more bottles on the shelf? 

(unsolicited answer) No.

and I know I'm alone in saying that that now abandoned bottle design was huge in the whole Girard's experience - more so than the actual contents. 

Just another item on the "Fuck This" list for Girard's, T. Marzetti, Aradagaha Group...

Thanks for ruining one of my favorite OTC dressings.

Fucking squares.

*swear it even tastes different now. lost charms.

Is it chopped salad, or is it cole slaw?

As a rule, I never buy bagged salad kit things. Equally as a rule, when the price is right, I sometimes ignore certain rules. Usually to my disappointment. Enter Taylor Farm's Avocado Ranch Chopped Salad Kit...

* i don't always keep bags of salad in the shower, but when I do I choose Taylor Farms...

It appears that Taylor Farms has taken it upon themselves to expand the "chopped salad" genre to now include vaguely cilantro'd up, DIY cole slaw with a hint of avocado flavoring.

Whether cole slaw fits in the chopped salad category is question for the ageless.

So, everything went down as the god's intended, and now have yet another review of a lackluster salad product. 

*The leftover lettuce did not get brown and weird 24 hours after opening, so have to give props on that.

The Ides of March...

I AM SO FUCKING PISSED THAT I DIDN'T THINK OF THIS FIRST!!

Also, that I'm only seeing this now.
Fuck you, Brutus.