Monday, December 28, 2020

Breakable news - The Free French!

Goddamnit, today is so fucking dumb. However! Big snacks to CYD follower pal, Elaina Morgan for bringing this desperate not-headline by Michael Levensonto our attention!


"French dressing can be easily forgotten..."
Yes, very true. Honestly, I haven't even noticed "French Dressing" since I was in short pants, and I thought "French Dressing" closed, and only Portuguese-speaking people ate at "French Dressings", nor have I tasted this substance since like, elementary school (When I spoke Portuguese?), and that can just be chopped up to a bad call at the cafeteria because I was a child = idiot. And I have never ever seen a French person use this product.
The begging question, void of answer, in this excellent article concerns this statement:
" — a sticky, sweet, carrot-colored blend..."
"Carrot-colored". Yes. But why? Why, why, why is it that colour?

So, then, I actually read the article and it said something like:
"The F.D.A. said consumers had come to expect that French dressing will contain tomato or “tomato-derived ingredients” and will “have a characteristic red or reddish-orange color.”
So then google said some bullshit like:
"And our “French dressing” wasn't French at all! ... I've always loved the reddish American “French” dressing, which is basically a French vinaigrette sauce punched up with tomato ketchup (sometimes tomato soup) and other flavorings such as Worcestershire sauce, garlic and sugar."

Then, blah, blah, blog, it's been determined at CYD, that it is ketchup, but thinner, becuz all the water, and other very stupid stuff.

While Count Yr Dressings has no real "Opinion" on this terrific article, we do support the congressional repeal of the provisions of a federal law criminalizing unauthorized use of Smokey Bear and Woodsy Owl, but still frustrated over the publishing industry's lack of resolve in lobbying to absolve protective rights for the workable attribution "Choose Your Own Adventure".

*For disclosure, Count Yr Dressings has requested special membership status from the Association for Dressings & Sauces. They have not responded by the time of publication.
**Also, chose "Franch" as an unhealthy, but amusing alternative.
***Also also, fuck industry groups. I hope that does not jeopardize any opportunities for future engagement and/or money.

Friday, December 11, 2020

La Tourangelle Organic Creamy Ranch Dressing

Hmm... I actually rather like this, which means this is going to be a very boring post.

Oil heavy w/ pretty swell avocado and lemon vinegar going on. Don't forget the garlic. Ever.

Also, Gluten Free, Vegan, Certifiably Organic, Low Sodium..."Artisan" (ha!), and probably a buncha other noise I don't care about.

That's it. It's good.

*U.S. ranchers! DO NOT APPLY.

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Puree-ly Garbage

Ya know why these are sitting on top of a trash can? Cuz that's where they're goin'! Cuz they're fucking trash!


I don't even know how this stuff came to haunt my refrigerator. (actually, becuz they were two for $2). BOLD FLAVOR?! Jah, sure, if you have the taste sensitivity of a Swiss toddler.

Cauliflower puree, tomatillo puree... that's all good and fine, puree whatever yr fucking heart desires, but give me a fucking break with the "POWER DRESSING" bit, ya dig? Healthy, sure, probably. I don't see it killing anything except my goddamn salad!

Also, STOP using classic salad dressing names for shit like this. That's not ranch, and that's not Italian, and you fucking know it. If yr so damn clever with weird appropriations of vegetable matter, then surely there's someone on yr fantastic fucking food fuel focused team that can easily dream up some super obnoxious names for yr game!

Please spare the time-tested traditional tags the indignity of having their names marred for the sake of shelf recognition... actually, just spare me. 

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

not so concealed carry

she strapped.
her valley is not so hidden, nor properly refrigerated (pretty sure that's an open container).

nice tassels without hassles.

(wear a mask)

someone give this gal a ticket. for any of the above. or below.

nicely shared to cyd by ms. chelsea rector.

packin' ranch.

Friday, April 10, 2020

Faux-PA!

Recently found myself, yet again, with another hoof-snookering Litehouse product in my refrigerator. And yes, once again, because it was on sale. Such a tired process, but if didn't do this, I'd have to start writing more positive reviews...

So here we have OPA's Tzatziki Ranch Greek Yogurt Dressing.
Ok, so with a grain of self-isolated compassion, this isn't AS tired date as other Litehouse products or yogurt dressings I've dealt with before. Though the tzatziki is only there in spirit, and the ranch thing... well, it's fucking yogurt, but ok for one spinached-up bowl, if you doll it up with more flavorful distractions.

Still, on the whole, it's not good. I definitely did not exclaim "OPA!", but on the second attempt, I did feel like smashing a plate... alas, NOT in the intended celebratory attitude. Maybe as I was eluding to, useful a base. If desperate.
*Not terrible w/ cucumbers.

And another note for clarification... As I've often expressed my distain for yogurt dressings, this largely only applies to bottled, store bought varieties. I have enjoyed many homemade and tasty restaurant offerings. There is just something about the mass produced selections that wrings out a residual aftertaste, something akin to what i recall about diet sodas. At the market, the word yogurt on the label is at best a cause for hesitation, but often simply a non-starter.

Visit their official website to discover more of their disgustingly generic products, which unfortunately, some of you may enjoy!

Saturday, March 28, 2020

What the fuck, Girard's?!?!

Fuck this noise, man.

Everyone knows Pierre Girard's Champagne dressing has forever been probably my favorite over-the-counter grabs EVER! (Some of the other varieties are pretty good too). A huge component to the brand's appeal has always been it's distinctive triangular bottle... SO WHY DID THEY FUCKING CHANGE IT!!!

Now instead of the sophisticated aesthetic of the triangularly-based vessel we knew and loved, we find ourselves with this dumbass skinny, square tower thing. Totally tired date.

😊 - Triangle = Taser Factory - 👍
😡 - Square = Tired Date - 👎
Why?!?! For some answers, I checked out Ardagh Group, the team they turned to to "refresh" the design. Ardagh proudly implicate themselves in this bullshit travesty, and highlight such reasoning as...
- "...it is more efficient and increases shelf holding power at retailers by 33%..."
- "...optimized for manufacturing, filling and packing..."

I don't give a fuck about the retailers or the manufacturers! Destroy a (the) key, iconic element of one of the most recognizable, reasonably priced, store bought dressings on the market just so you can fit a few more bottles on the shelf? No.

I know I'm alone in saying that that now abandoned bottle design was 1/2 of the whole Girard's experience - equally as important as its actual contents. Girard's, T. Marzetti, Ardagh Group...Thanks for ruining one of my favorite dressings.

Fucking squares.


*I swear it even tastes different now. Lost charms.

Monday, April 29, 2019

Is it chopped salad, or is it cole slaw?

As a rule, I never buy bagged salad kit things. Equally as a rule, when the price is right, I sometimes ignore certain rules. Usually to my disappointment. Enter Taylor Farm's Avocado Ranch Chopped Salad Kit...
* i don't always keep bags of salad in the shower, but when I do I choose Taylor Farms...

It appears that Taylor Farms has taken it upon themselves to expand the "chopped salad" genre to now include vaguely cilantro'd up, DIY cole slaw with a hint of avocado flavoring.

Whether cole slaw fits in the chopped salad category is question for the ageless.

So, everything went down as the god's intended, and now have yet another review of a lackluster salad product. 

*The leftover lettuce did not get brown and weird 24 hours after opening, so have to give props on that.