Wednesday, October 14, 2020

Puree-ly Garbage

Ya know why these are sitting on top of a trash can? Cuz that's where they're goin'! Cuz they're fucking trash!

I don't even know how this stuff came to haunt my refrigerator. (actually, becuz they were two for $2). BOLD FLAVOR?! Jah, sure, if you have the taste sensitivity of a Swiss toddler.

Cauliflower puree, tomatillo puree... that's all good and fine, puree whatever yr fucking heart desires, but give me a fucking break with the "POWER DRESSING" bit, ya dig? Healthy, sure, probably. I don't see it killing anything except my goddamn salad!

Also, STOP using classic salad dressing names for shit like this. That's not ranch, and that's not Italian, and you fucking know it. If yr so damn clever with weird appropriations of vegetable matter, then surely there's someone on yr fantastic fucking food fuel focused team that can easily dream up some super obnoxious names for yr game!

Please spare the time-tested traditional tags the indignity of having their names marred for the sake of shelf recognition... actually, just spare me. 

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

not so concealed carry

she strapped.
her valley is not so hidden, nor properly refrigerated (pretty sure that's an open container).

nice tassels without hassles.

(wear a mask)

someone give this gal a ticket. for any of the above. or below.

nicely shared to cyd by ms. chelsea rector.

packin' ranch.

Friday, April 10, 2020


Recently found myself, yet again, with another hoof-snookering Litehouse product in my refrigerator. And yes, once again, because it was on sale. Such a tired process, but if didn't do this, I'd have to start writing more positive reviews...

So here we have OPA's Tzatziki Ranch Greek Yogurt Dressing.
Ok, so with a grain of self-isolated compassion, this isn't AS tired date as other Litehouse products or yogurt dressings I've dealt with before. Though the tzatziki is only there in spirit, and the ranch thing... well, it's fucking yogurt, but ok for one spinached-up bowl, if you doll it up with more flavorful distractions.

Still, on the whole, it's not good. I definitely did not exclaim "OPA!", but on the second attempt, I did feel like smashing a plate... alas, NOT in the intended celebratory attitude. Maybe as I was eluding to, useful a base. If desperate.
*Not terrible w/ cucumbers.

And another note for clarification... As I've often expressed my distain for yogurt dressings, this largely only applies to bottled, store bought varieties. I have enjoyed many homemade and tasty restaurant offerings. There is just something about the mass produced selections that wrings out a residual aftertaste, something akin to what i recall about diet sodas. At the market, the word yogurt on the label is at best a cause for hesitation, but often simply a non-starter.

Visit their official website to discover more of their disgustingly generic products, which unfortunately, some of you may enjoy!

Saturday, March 28, 2020

What the fuck, Girard's?!?!

Fuck this noise, man.

Everyone knows Pierre Girard's Champagne dressing has forever been probably my favorite over-the-counter grabs EVER! (Some of the other varieties are pretty good too). A huge component to the brand's appeal has always been it's distinctive triangular bottle... SO WHY DID THEY FUCKING CHANGE IT!!!

Now instead of the sophisticated aesthetic of the triangularly-based vessel we knew and loved, we find ourselves with this dumbass skinny, square tower thing. Totally tired date.

😊 - Triangle = Taser Factory - 👍
😡 - Square = Tired Date - 👎
Why?!?! For some answers, I checked out Ardagh Group, the team they turned to to "refresh" the design. Ardagh proudly implicate themselves in this bullshit travesty, and highlight such reasoning as...
- " is more efficient and increases shelf holding power at retailers by 33%..."
- "...optimized for manufacturing, filling and packing..."

I don't give a fuck about the retailers or the manufacturers! Destroy a (the) key, iconic element of one of the most recognizable, reasonably priced, store bought dressings on the market just so you can fit a few more bottles on the shelf? No.

I know I'm alone in saying that that now abandoned bottle design was 1/2 of the whole Girard's experience - equally as important as its actual contents. Girard's, T. Marzetti, Ardagh Group...Thanks for ruining one of my favorite dressings.

Fucking squares.

*I swear it even tastes different now. Lost charms.

Monday, April 29, 2019

Is it chopped salad, or is it cole slaw?

As a rule, I never buy bagged salad kit things. Equally as a rule, when the price is right, I sometimes ignore certain rules. Usually to my disappointment. Enter Taylor Farm's Avocado Ranch Chopped Salad Kit...
* i don't always keep bags of salad in the shower, but when I do I choose Taylor Farms...

It appears that Taylor Farms has taken it upon themselves to expand the "chopped salad" genre to now include vaguely cilantro'd up, DIY cole slaw with a hint of avocado flavoring.

Whether cole slaw fits in the chopped salad category is question for the ageless.

So, everything went down as the god's intended, and now have yet another review of a lackluster salad product. 

*The leftover lettuce did not get brown and weird 24 hours after opening, so have to give props on that.

Friday, March 15, 2019

The Ides of March...


Also, that I'm only seeing this now.
Fuck you, Brutus.

Sunday, February 24, 2019

Chicken hungry says: "Chicken hungry"

The little ones I call "chik chiks", I like them. The big ones I call "chickens", and they terrify me. Fears aside, when I discovered that some pals in the neighborhood (specifically one 5-year-old yard chef named P) were preparing fresh salad for their stable of chickens, I had to learn more. 

P was unwranglable for commentary at this time, but fortunately her representative, and mother, Sandy, was kind enough to respond...

Sandy- Our daughter has been making "salads" for a couple years with yard clippings... we just got these chickens and it occurred to me that we now have real customers for her salads!

Jeremy- At yr home, is this referred to as chicken salad, just salad, or something else? Also, not to be grotesque, but there is no chicken or egg in the chicken salad, correct?

S- It's chicken salad because it's salad for the chickens... no chicken or egg included.

J- Ok, so chickens like salad? I could totally see them going crazy for croutons, but admittedly, I do not know that much about chickens.

S- Chickens love greens. They are also hunters of bugs and mice but love grains and greens as well. 

J- Any dressing? If not, if you guys could pair a dressing with this, what might it be?

S- No dressing, but if we did it might be minced mealworm with a dash of avocado oil... but not much, too many fats are bad for their chicken innards.

J- Do the chickens have any personal reviews they'd like to add?

S- Personal reviews: Love: Spinach, kale, chard, dandelion, grass, sourgrass, mostly any weedy type thing that is growing in front yard.

J- Do the chickens have names? Are any of them mean? I have a recurring dream about a mean chicken.

S- Terribly sorry for your chicken nightmares, but they do have crazy eyes. And crazy eye totally warrants nightmares. Doubly sorry that its recurring. All of our ladies, as we call them, are friendly. Some dont mind being cuddled and held while others you need to have strategy and read their body language in order to pick them up.

First three: Fire (top lady), Brighty (both Rhode Island Reds), and Scout (a Barred Plymouth Rock).
Second three: Althea (Grateful Dead song), Sophia (a name P liked), and Pio (means cheep in Spanish). Althea, Sophia, and Pio may be Orpingtons (Buff and Black). But not sure, thats our guess. First three came from guy on craigslist, second three came from North Central Animal Shelter. 
Brighty and Scout
Only time they got out was to venture to neighbors yard that is now filled w greens. Had to block a hole in the fence, now they just stare at the the literal green grass on the other side of the fence. Sorry ladies. 

Terrific project and compliments to the chef!

Now feeding chocobos in Final Fantasy totally makes sense.
Barnyard pop-up shop coming soon?