Breakable news - The Free French!

Goddamnit, today is so fucking dumb. However! Big snacks to CYD follower pal, Elaina Morgan for bringing this desperate not-headline by Michael Levenson to our attention!

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/20/us/fda-french-dressing.html

"French dressing can be easily forgotten..."
Yes, very true. Honestly, I haven't even noticed "French Dressing" since I was in short pants, and I thought "French Dressing" closed, and only Portuguese-speaking people ate at "French Dressings", nor have I tasted this substance since like, elementary school (When I spoke Portuguese?), and that can just be chopped up to a bad call at the cafeteria because I was a child = idiot. And I have never ever seen a French person use this product.

The begging question, void of answer, in this excellent article concerns this statement:
" — a sticky, sweet, carrot-colored blend..."
"Carrot-colored". Yes. But why? Why, why, why is it that colour?

So, then, I actually read the article and it said something like:
"The F.D.A. said consumers had come to expect that French dressing will contain tomato or “tomato-derived ingredients” and will “have a characteristic red or reddish-orange color.”

So then google said some bullshit like:

"And our “French dressing” wasn't French at all! ... I've always loved the reddish American “French” dressing, which is basically a French vinaigrette sauce punched up with tomato ketchup (sometimes tomato soup) and other flavorings such as Worcestershire sauce, garlic and sugar."

Then, blah, blah, blog, it's been determined at CYD, that it is ketchup, but thinner, becuz all the water, and other very stupid stuff.

While Count Yr Dressings has no real "Opinion" on this terrific article, we do support the congressional repeal of the provisions of a federal law criminalizing unauthorized use of Smokey Bear and Woodsy Owl, but still frustrated over the publishing industry's lack of resolve in lobbying to absolve protective rights for the workable attribution "Choose Your Own Adventure".

*For disclosure, Count Yr Dressings has requested special membership status from the Association for Dressings & Sauces. They have not responded by the time of publication.

**Also, chose "Franch" as an unhealthy, but amusing alternative.

***Also also, fuck industry groups. I hope that does not jeopardize any opportunities for future engagement and/or money.

La Tourangelle Organic Creamy Ranch Dressing

Hmm... I actually rather like this, which means this is going to be a very boring post.

Oil heavy w/ pretty swell avocado and lemon vinegar going on. Don't forget the garlic. Ever.

Also, Gluten Free, Vegan, Certifiably Organic, Low Sodium..."Artisan" (ha!), and probably a buncha other noise I don't care about.

That's it. It's good.

*U.S. ranchers! DO NOT APPLY.

Puree-ly Garbage

Ya know why these are sitting on top of a trash can? Cuz that's where they're goin'! Cuz they're fucking trash!

I don't even know how this stuff came to haunt my refrigerator. (actually, becuz they were two for $2). BOLD FLAVOR?! Jah, sure, if you have the taste sensitivity of a Swiss toddler.

Cauliflower puree, tomatillo puree... that's all good and fine, puree whatever yr fucking heart desires, but give me a fucking break with the "POWER DRESSING" bit, ya dig? Healthy, sure, probably. I don't see it killing anything except my goddamn salad!

Also, STOP using classic salad dressing names for shit like this. That's not ranch, and that's not Italian, and you fucking know it. If yr so damn clever with weird appropriations of vegetable matter, then surely there's someone on yr fantastically food fuel focused team that can easily dream up some super obnoxious names for yr game!

Please spare the time-tested traditional tags the indignity of having their names marred for the sake of shelf recognition... actually, just spare me. 

Faux-PA!

Recently found myself, yet again, with another hoof-snookering Litehouse product in my refrigerator. And yes, once again, because it was on sale. Such a tired process, but if didn't do this, I'd have to start writing more positive reviews...

So here we have OPA's Tzatziki Ranch Greek Yogurt Dressing.

Ok, so with a grain of self-isolated compassion, this isn't AS tired date as other Litehouse products or yogurt dressings I've dealt with before. Though the tzatziki is only there in spirit, and the ranch thing... well, it's fucking yogurt, but ok for one spinached-up bowl, if you doll it up with more flavorful distractions.

Still, on the whole, it's not good. I definitely did not exclaim "OPA!", but on the second attempt, I did feel like smashing a plate... alas, NOT in the intended celebratory attitude. Maybe as I was eluding to, useful a base. If desperate.
*Not terrible w/ cucumbers.

And another note for clarification... As I've often expressed my distain for yogurt dressings, this largely only applies to bottled, store bought varieties. I have enjoyed many homemade and tasty restaurant offerings. There is just something about the mass produced selections that wrings out a residual aftertaste, something akin to what i recall about diet sodas. At the market, the word yogurt on the label is at best a cause for hesitation, but often simply a non-starter.

Visit their official website to discover more of their disgustingly generic products, which unfortunately, some of you may enjoy!

What the fuck, Girard's?!?!

Fuck this noise.

[Some readers] Everyone [may recall] knows Pierre Girard's Champagne dressing has forever been probably my flavourite over-the-counter grabs EVER! (Some of the other varieties are pretty good too). One of the key elements to the brand's appeal has forever been it's distinctive triangular bottle... 

ºsmilesº

...and...so....

WTFUCK!? ?! !  WHY CHANGE IT? ? ! !? ?

≥not smile≤

😊 - Triangle = Taser Factory - 👍

😡 - Square = Tired Date - 👎

Why?!?! Now instead of the poser sophisticated charm of the triangularly-based vessel we knew and loved, we find ourselves with this dumbass skinny, square tower thing. Totally tired date.

For some answers, I checked out Ardagh Group, the team they turned to to "refresh" the design. Argadgh proudly implicate themselves in this bullshit travesty, and highlight such reasoning as...
- "...it is more efficient and increases shelf holding power at retailers by 33%..."
- "...optimized for manufacturing, filling and packing..." 

I don't give a fuck about the retailers or the manufacturers! Destroy a (the) standout, if not near iconic, elements of one of, if not the only reasonably priced, not gross, store bought dressings on the market just so you can fit a few more bottles on the shelf? 

(unsolicited answer) No.

and I know I'm alone in saying that that now abandoned bottle design was huge in the whole Girard's experience - more so than the actual contents. 

Just another item on the "Fuck This" list for Girard's, T. Marzetti, Aradagaha Group...

Thanks for ruining one of my favorite OTC dressings.

Fucking squares.

*swear it even tastes different now. lost charms.

The Ides of March...

I AM SO FUCKING PISSED THAT I DIDN'T THINK OF THIS FIRST!!

Also, that I'm only seeing this now.
Fuck you, Brutus.

Enjoy yr mold!!!

Working from memeory...

OK, I gotcha... M-O-L-D.

Pop the Cork...

In light of the overtly critical, and straight up negative attack tone of recent C.Y.D. posts, thought to brighten things up for the holiday seasonings, with something I actually like...

Champagne Vinaigrette.

I mean, what good can't come from champagne vinegar??

Quite versatile.

Nothing bests a good homemade recipe of course...

However, Girard's (which resides under the now mildewy corporate umbrella of Marzetti), though entirely different, still kinda has a place in my heart...

as you can see, this bottle is very, very empty.

"What would you say to some champagne?"

"Hello champagne." - Rope / Hitchcock (1948)

Tap that!

Hidden Valley is seemingly boundless in it's array of dumb-ass promotions. This time targeting the ever important 18-25 male demographic, those who have yet to grow into the more refined "Ranch Fountain".

For full disclosure, I have performed 2 keg stands in my life, and I surely have several bro-bo-pals out there that still get wild with their wings... However, they know best not to arrive at this studio with those, or any other tortured, dip-able items.
Conclusion: The keg is kicked.

Dude! Brah! SPOT ME!

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

https://www.flavourgallery.com/products/hidden-valley-ranch-keg

*Thanks to Rob Hessler for calling this out for the cause!
Wash this noise outta yr head and check go out his radness in the link above!

Not in my garden...

Scene: Supermarket.

Item: 1 bottle of Olive Garden Italian Dressing.

Price: $2 (plus $1 off coupon)

...and still I couldn't bring my cheap ass to buy it!
I can't remember (because it's like 20 years), but salad maybe the only okay thing this place does, however...
The thought of seeing that logo staring back at me every time I open the refrigerator was a non-starter. Regardless of price.

I'm not there, and I'm not your fucking family.

.merda.

Trader No's - "Cilantro Salad Dressing"

So bored at work today that I actually looked inside the disgusting refrigerator (which as a general rule I refuse to touch) and discovered this...

Don't get me wrong, I like cilantro, but have a very strong feeling that this is probably terrible.

Dressing intuition.

Ranch-ers! REPRESENT...

Well, from the looks of this new online shoppe, it appears that the valley has been discovered...

(bejeweled bottle)

That's right folks, from t-shirts to bejeweled bottles, this Hidden Valley storefront has all your ranch related needs (ahem... wants) covered. Don't forget to pick up a RANCH FOUNTAIN for your next terribly disgusting dinner party!

(bottle coozie)

Right. I'm not a ranch hater or lover. I appreciate the love and dedication that whoevers the fuck put into this.

Then!!, from this article on Delish, I learned that March 10th is "National Ranch Day", so now I'm pissed and retract anything nice I might have said about ranch.

If any dressing deserves a holiday, it's definitely NOT ranch... maybe Franch tho? (celebrated as Thousand Island Day in Canada)??

I can see all the way through this ruse.

The valley isn't so hidden anymore.

Korean Fusion Salad Taco...

Q- Is it really salad?

A- ...of course it's salad, fool!

Q- Why?

A- Because this is MY f'ing blog!

...Now somebody get me a food truck, stat.

Designed and constructed by artist Erica Ryan Stallones.

Materials: lettuce, noodles, maybe kimchi.

Dressing: pork I believe.

*My daughter needs a horse.

Saladini The Magnificent...

These cardboard bounds were of little match.

From farm to table. 

Then! Suddenly! Poof!

For its next challenge, defy drowning in dressing.

Overpaying customers. Step right on up.

Behold The Great Saladini.

Viola!

You Wish-Bone!

Dear Wish-Bone,

To start, I found this combination of words: "Ristorante Italiano Garlic Parmesan Vinaigrette", ridiculous and ultimately kinda insulting. 

However, at $1.99 a bottle I figured it would least be a good investment for the sole purpose of adding a much needed scathing review on this site.

Adding flecks of "parmesan" (cheese?) + garlic ort does not make this special or separate from the pack in any sense. I mean what's wrong with a title like: "Vinaigrette Dressing With Stuff In it".

Alas, the label reads "Authentic Italian Recipe"... surely stripped straight from the pages of the age old family recipe book of some guy who opened a Fazoli's franchise outside of Cleveland er something.

Yeah, combining water, vinegar, oil (not olive). not a new trick.

Wish-Bone, take it easy. 

Stick with making ranch...

Unless you're interested in buying my "FRANCH" recipe, then yes! please contact:

Jeremy Kennedy: fmsmprc@gmail.com

yo! gurt!

yogurt dressing.... can't say i'm fan in the least.

honestly, the only reason i picked this up was becuz it was ABSOLUTELY FREE!

do i like anything from bolthouse farms?! oh, i like that chai drink thing... totes taser.
this wasn't bad for a weird-ass yogurt dressing. i mean i'll never actually buy it, but yeah...
eat yogurt anytime you want, and use salad dressing on salad. 

however, if this is yr thang, i thought the mildly sweet onion tones provided a nice mask for the sometimes overwhelming feeling of "why am eating yogurt covered romaine?!"

i srsly do not have anything against yogurt.

The Return of FRANCH...

With the big foods laying in wait tomorrow, do i really need to remind anyone of the wonders of FRANCH and the impact it will have on yr T'givings table?!

Impress yr friend and/or family with worldly excellence in taste.
FRANCH "livens up" any dish... even the really bland, flavorless one that will have you questioning why you even bothered to prepare!

Lucky for you FRANCH has been reborn in this fantastic new guide into culinary outer-limits by: Goatmother Industrial + Table-Blue Brand.

http://www.rebelhandspress.com/lil%20help

Along with so many other exciting food ideas, most of which are about as appropriate for thanksgiving as a boxful of plastic bags would be in a baby's crib.

Viola!

"POSSESSED" salad dressing strikes fear throughout state of wyoming!!!

well... maybe not the entire state, but if you needed another reason to avoid wyoming (doubtful), here ya go...

What should have been the start of a delicious meal turned into a nightmare for a Wyoming woman who says she was attacked by a 'possessed' bottle of salad dressing!

In a very strange local news report, Divel McClean described the incident to a reporter from KTWO.

According to McClean, after she retrieved the salad dressing from the refrigerator, she suddenly heard a series of pops coming from the container.

"I looked up and it was possessed," she said, "it was going crazy. It was shooting up in the air and to the side."

Astounded by what was happening, McClean took pictures of the bottle because she didn't think anyone would believe her story.

"Well, it's hard to explain I was attacked by a bottle of salad dressing," she told to the newscast.

Fortunately for McClean, the incident was not driven by demonic forces and, in fact, had a more prosaic explanation as her salad dressing had actually been recalled months ago.

At the time, manufacturers explained, bacteria in the dressing was creating gas bubbles which erupted when the bottles were opened.

The answer to the mystery of the 'possessed' salad dressing was little consolation for McClean, who claims that the exploding dressing caused $2,500 in damages to the kitchen, her clothes, and a nearby computer.

And, we presume, she never got to eat that salad either.

Source: Vice.com

Count Your Dressings Notes:
1. To begin, I have serious doubts that the meal she was preparing would fall under the category: "delicious".
2. Who/what the fuck is Dorothy Lynch? (hope it was on sale).
3. First name: Divel.... easily anagrammed. (Who's possessing what here?)
4. Last name: McClean. Well, McClean it up.
5. Sound effect grandmaster.

huge ups to ms. skolmoski for bringing this to our immediate attention here!

cardini's "red jalapeno caesar"

so.... i grabbed this because no anchovies, + on sale...

hmm.

the taster here is feeling something similar to an "any brand" thousand island, only lighter.

finally kinda got into it, but only via sandwich.

nothing caesar about it really.

i recall cardini's original caesar as a go-to back in the day....

stick w/ the o.g.

on a scale of 9 to 5, this gets a 6 for possible extra-salad usability.

and a 2 for actual taste.

know what sucks?

Lighthouse Dressing....of any variety. I mean, how can they manage to even fuck up Ranch?!

Don't bother...even if it's on sale.