Sketchy Salad in Only 2 Months?

While never doubting the brutal truthfulness of Reductress, we just had to wonder...

   Is it possible for a woman to grow a salad, sketchy or otherwise, in only 2(two) Months??

Image by Reductress.

Yup!

It IS totes truly possible, even easy feasy to go from seeds in dirt to tiny mouthfuls of sad, slumpy salad in two(2) months -- or less!

After selectively skimming the work of others, along w/ a flurry of related search results, we discovered that vegetables can grow really fucking fast!  

For starters, leaf lettuce, generally matures fast, in about seven to eight weeks, which makes it ideal for a home garden. As a bonus, it can really be harvested anytime you see leaves big enough to eat, making it ideal for the general pace of life + unevolved patience that has one wondering why they ever thought a garden was a good idea in the first place.

Next in our living salad bowl is the radish. Generally considered to be the fastest-growing vegetable, the radish can be harvested as soon as 3-4 weeks after planting. While there's an outside chance of pulling off a few cucumbers or baby carrots, stick to the produce aisle for standard salad faves onions + tomatoes.

If timing is everything, we should point to the publish date of the original post in question, May 14, which is a perfect point on the calendar to plant this pathetic pursuit! Another truth-o-meter star for Reductress, which we discovered during our research for this article is a feminist news satire site, which parodies the way the media talks down to women. 

Unbiased research + countless unread articles aside, lettuce smile for salad + DIY enthusiasm! We hope this encourages all aspiring, overidealistic salad farmers out there to not go too hard on themselves, or the lettuce leaves, + we look forward to a bumper crop of aimless, sputtering personal social media posts + blog entries this harvest season!

*Thanks again to Ms. Canada for another absolutely apposite prompt! Nice follow up to "women laughing alone with salad"! 

Puree-ly Garbage

Ya know why these are sitting on top of a trash can? Cuz that's where they're goin'! Cuz they're fucking trash!

I don't even know how this stuff came to haunt my refrigerator. (actually, becuz they were two for $2). BOLD FLAVOR?! Jah, sure, if you have the taste sensitivity of a Swiss toddler.

Cauliflower puree, tomatillo puree... that's all good and fine, puree whatever yr fucking heart desires, but give me a fucking break with the "POWER DRESSING" bit, ya dig? Healthy, sure, probably. I don't see it killing anything except my goddamn salad!

Also, STOP using classic salad dressing names for shit like this. That's not ranch, and that's not Italian, and you fucking know it. If yr so damn clever with weird appropriations of vegetable matter, then surely there's someone on yr fantastically food fuel focused team that can easily dream up some super obnoxious names for yr game!

Please spare the time-tested traditional tags the indignity of having their names marred for the sake of shelf recognition... actually, just spare me. 

Is it chopped salad, or is it cole slaw?

As a rule, I never buy bagged salad kit things. Equally as a rule, when the price is right, I sometimes ignore certain rules. Usually to my disappointment. Enter Taylor Farm's Avocado Ranch Chopped Salad Kit...

* i don't always keep bags of salad in the shower, but when I do I choose Taylor Farms...

It appears that Taylor Farms has taken it upon themselves to expand the "chopped salad" genre to now include vaguely cilantro'd up, DIY cole slaw with a hint of avocado flavoring.

Whether cole slaw fits in the chopped salad category is question for the ageless.

So, everything went down as the god's intended, and now have yet another review of a lackluster salad product. 

*The leftover lettuce did not get brown and weird 24 hours after opening, so have to give props on that.

Chicken hungry says: "Chicken hungry"

Chickens.

The little ones I call "chik chiks", I like them. The big ones I call "chickens", and they terrify me. Fears aside, when I discovered that some pals in the neighborhood (specifically one 5-year-old yard chef named P) were preparing fresh salad for their stable of chickens, I had to learn more. 

P was unwranglable for commentary at this time, but fortunately her representative, and mother, Sandy, was kind enough to respond...

Sandy- Our daughter has been making "salads" for a couple years with yard clippings... we just got these chickens and it occurred to me that we now have real customers for her salads!

Jeremy- At yr home, is this referred to as chicken salad, just salad, or something else? Also, not to be grotesque, but there is no chicken or egg in the chicken salad, correct?

S- It's chicken salad because it's salad for the chickens... no chicken or egg included.

J- Ok, so chickens like salad? I could totally see them going crazy for croutons, but admittedly, I do not know that much about chickens.

S- Chickens love greens. They are also hunters of bugs and mice but love grains and greens as well. 

J- Any dressing? If not, if you guys could pair a dressing with this, what might it be?

S- No dressing, but if we did it might be minced mealworm with a dash of avocado oil... but not much, too many fats are bad for their chicken innards.

J- Do the chickens have any personal reviews they'd like to add?

S- Personal reviews: Love: Spinach, kale, chard, dandelion, grass, sourgrass, mostly any weedy type thing that is growing in front yard.

J- Do the chickens have names? Are any of them mean? I have a recurring dream about a mean chicken.

S- Terribly sorry for your chicken nightmares, but they do have crazy eyes. And crazy eye totally warrants nightmares. Doubly sorry that its recurring. All of our ladies, as we call them, are friendly. Some dont mind being cuddled and held while others you need to have strategy and read their body language in order to pick them up.

Names:
First three: Fire (top lady), Brighty (both Rhode Island Reds), and Scout (a Barred Plymouth Rock).
Second three: Althea (Grateful Dead song), Sophia (a name P liked), and Pio (means cheep in Spanish). Althea, Sophia, and Pio may be Orpingtons (Buff and Black). But not sure, thats our guess. First three came from guy on craigslist, second three came from North Central Animal Shelter. 

Brighty and Scout

Only time they got out was to venture to neighbors yard that is now filled w greens. Had to block a hole in the fence, now they just stare at the the literal green grass on the other side of the fence. Sorry ladies. 

Terrific project and compliments to the chef!

Now feeding chocobos in Final Fantasy totally makes sense.

Barnyard pop-up shop coming soon?

Holiday Special

THIS is the best use of ambrosia salad I have EVER seen, way better than putting it in your mouth. Damn skippy, and word to Rob Hessler for once again tuning my ear to where the action's at!

My mind goes in way too many directions when considering this gift wrapping alternative... I'll leave it to your imagination. 
However! Key points here:
1. Traditional bows are probably harmful to the environment ...somehow (that's not my field), so this is terrific.
2. There are far better uses for whipped cream.
3. If you actually waste good fruit making this, then you deserve to be left with the entirety of the "dish" in your refrigerator for like 2 weeks, because nobody at your stupid fucking dinner party even touched it (If you have questions in regards to this please contact, I'll explain. Calmly).
4. Whipped cream and fruit both expire at differing, yet rather rapid paces when left out at room temperature. A good thing, bad thing? Depends on who the recipient is.
5. Seepage. 

Ambrosia salad is gross, but when giving gifts, it's what's in your heart that matters most. As long as your heart isn't filled with ambrosia salad, then there is peace on earth (Not really, but just don't).
Thanks and happy holidays,
Count Yr. Dressings

Pop the Cork...

In light of the overtly critical, and straight up negative attack tone of recent C.Y.D. posts, thought to brighten things up for the holiday seasonings, with something I actually like...

Champagne Vinaigrette.

I mean, what good can't come from champagne vinegar??

Quite versatile.

Nothing bests a good homemade recipe of course...

However, Girard's (which resides under the now mildewy corporate umbrella of Marzetti), though entirely different, still kinda has a place in my heart...

as you can see, this bottle is very, very empty.

"What would you say to some champagne?"

"Hello champagne." - Rope / Hitchcock (1948)

Tap that!

Hidden Valley is seemingly boundless in it's array of dumb-ass promotions. This time targeting the ever important 18-25 male demographic, those who have yet to grow into the more refined "Ranch Fountain".

For full disclosure, I have performed 2 keg stands in my life, and I surely have several bro-bo-pals out there that still get wild with their wings... However, they know best not to arrive at this studio with those, or any other tortured, dip-able items.
Conclusion: The keg is kicked.

Dude! Brah! SPOT ME!

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

https://www.flavourgallery.com/products/hidden-valley-ranch-keg

*Thanks to Rob Hessler for calling this out for the cause!
Wash this noise outta yr head and check go out his radness in the link above!

Trader No's - "Cilantro Salad Dressing"

So bored at work today that I actually looked inside the disgusting refrigerator (which as a general rule I refuse to touch) and discovered this...

Don't get me wrong, I like cilantro, but have a very strong feeling that this is probably terrible.

Dressing intuition.

Ranch-ers! REPRESENT...

Well, from the looks of this new online shoppe, it appears that the valley has been discovered...

(bejeweled bottle)

That's right folks, from t-shirts to bejeweled bottles, this Hidden Valley storefront has all your ranch related needs (ahem... wants) covered. Don't forget to pick up a RANCH FOUNTAIN for your next terribly disgusting dinner party!

(bottle coozie)

Right. I'm not a ranch hater or lover. I appreciate the love and dedication that whoevers the fuck put into this.

Then!!, from this article on Delish, I learned that March 10th is "National Ranch Day", so now I'm pissed and retract anything nice I might have said about ranch.

If any dressing deserves a holiday, it's definitely NOT ranch... maybe Franch tho? (celebrated as Thousand Island Day in Canada)??

I can see all the way through this ruse.

The valley isn't so hidden anymore.

Korean Fusion Salad Taco...

Q- Is it really salad?

A- ...of course it's salad, fool!

Q- Why?

A- Because this is MY f'ing blog!

...Now somebody get me a food truck, stat.

Designed and constructed by artist Erica Ryan Stallones.

Materials: lettuce, noodles, maybe kimchi.

Dressing: pork I believe.

*My daughter needs a horse.

Gourmet Garden- Land of the free...

Sooooooo. This is exactly the type of stuff I NEVER buy (esp. with a name like Gourmet Garden). But guess what...
I didn't! It was free!!

A selection of run-of-the-mill herbs (and spices) available in gel form, or "lightly" dried, found up in the salad zone at market.
I chose basil things, becuz my foreseeable menu required basil things. Label reads that it stays fresh for up to 4 months after opening, which is nice. Also says it's or-gan-ic... like I give a fuck, it was free.

1 TO 5 SCALE:
Taste= 4 (I guess... I mean it's basil)
Uses= ...multiple. (Yes, salad)
Creative Name= 0
Price= 10!

Good while it's lasting...
"Herb Hub": http://www.gourmetgarden.com/en-us/herb-hub

Saladini The Magnificent...

These cardboard bounds were of little match.

From farm to table. 

Then! Suddenly! Poof!

For its next challenge, defy drowning in dressing.

Overpaying customers. Step right on up.

Behold The Great Saladini.

Viola!

You Wish-Bone!

Dear Wish-Bone,

To start, I found this combination of words: "Ristorante Italiano Garlic Parmesan Vinaigrette", ridiculous and ultimately kinda insulting. 

However, at $1.99 a bottle I figured it would least be a good investment for the sole purpose of adding a much needed scathing review on this site.

Adding flecks of "parmesan" (cheese?) + garlic ort does not make this special or separate from the pack in any sense. I mean what's wrong with a title like: "Vinaigrette Dressing With Stuff In it".

Alas, the label reads "Authentic Italian Recipe"... surely stripped straight from the pages of the age old family recipe book of some guy who opened a Fazoli's franchise outside of Cleveland er something.

Yeah, combining water, vinegar, oil (not olive). not a new trick.

Wish-Bone, take it easy. 

Stick with making ranch...

Unless you're interested in buying my "FRANCH" recipe, then yes! please contact:

Jeremy Kennedy: fmsmprc@gmail.com

yo! gurt!

yogurt dressing.... can't say i'm fan in the least.

honestly, the only reason i picked this up was becuz it was ABSOLUTELY FREE!

do i like anything from bolthouse farms?! oh, i like that chai drink thing... totes taser.
this wasn't bad for a weird-ass yogurt dressing. i mean i'll never actually buy it, but yeah...
eat yogurt anytime you want, and use salad dressing on salad. 

however, if this is yr thang, i thought the mildly sweet onion tones provided a nice mask for the sometimes overwhelming feeling of "why am eating yogurt covered romaine?!"

i srsly do not have anything against yogurt.

The Return of FRANCH...

With the big foods laying in wait tomorrow, do i really need to remind anyone of the wonders of FRANCH and the impact it will have on yr T'givings table?!

Impress yr friend and/or family with worldly excellence in taste.
FRANCH "livens up" any dish... even the really bland, flavorless one that will have you questioning why you even bothered to prepare!

Lucky for you FRANCH has been reborn in this fantastic new guide into culinary outer-limits by: Goatmother Industrial + Table-Blue Brand.

http://www.rebelhandspress.com/lil%20help

Along with so many other exciting food ideas, most of which are about as appropriate for thanksgiving as a boxful of plastic bags would be in a baby's crib.

Viola!

"POSSESSED" salad dressing strikes fear throughout state of wyoming!!!

well... maybe not the entire state, but if you needed another reason to avoid wyoming (doubtful), here ya go...

What should have been the start of a delicious meal turned into a nightmare for a Wyoming woman who says she was attacked by a 'possessed' bottle of salad dressing!

In a very strange local news report, Divel McClean described the incident to a reporter from KTWO.

According to McClean, after she retrieved the salad dressing from the refrigerator, she suddenly heard a series of pops coming from the container.

"I looked up and it was possessed," she said, "it was going crazy. It was shooting up in the air and to the side."

Astounded by what was happening, McClean took pictures of the bottle because she didn't think anyone would believe her story.

"Well, it's hard to explain I was attacked by a bottle of salad dressing," she told to the newscast.

Fortunately for McClean, the incident was not driven by demonic forces and, in fact, had a more prosaic explanation as her salad dressing had actually been recalled months ago.

At the time, manufacturers explained, bacteria in the dressing was creating gas bubbles which erupted when the bottles were opened.

The answer to the mystery of the 'possessed' salad dressing was little consolation for McClean, who claims that the exploding dressing caused $2,500 in damages to the kitchen, her clothes, and a nearby computer.

And, we presume, she never got to eat that salad either.

Source: Vice.com

Count Your Dressings Notes:
1. To begin, I have serious doubts that the meal she was preparing would fall under the category: "delicious".
2. Who/what the fuck is Dorothy Lynch? (hope it was on sale).
3. First name: Divel.... easily anagrammed. (Who's possessing what here?)
4. Last name: McClean. Well, McClean it up.
5. Sound effect grandmaster.

huge ups to ms. skolmoski for bringing this to our immediate attention here!

cardini's "red jalapeno caesar"

so.... i grabbed this because no anchovies, + on sale...

hmm.

the taster here is feeling something similar to an "any brand" thousand island, only lighter.

finally kinda got into it, but only via sandwich.

nothing caesar about it really.

i recall cardini's original caesar as a go-to back in the day....

stick w/ the o.g.

on a scale of 9 to 5, this gets a 6 for possible extra-salad usability.

and a 2 for actual taste.

find your salad soulmate....

feeling lonely tonight?

here you go:
http://saladmatch.com/
A: So what R U up 2 after the farmer's market?
B: Eating salad.
A: K.

...salad is so funny!

"women laughing alone with salad"...the best thing i've seen online in such a long time:


http://thehairpin.com/2011/01/women-laughing-alone-with-salad

this post is a dream come true.

there are so many positive things i could write about this, but i can't stop laughing and smiling.

thanks ms. canada!

princess tomato in the salad kingdom

if you're as much of a salad fanatic as i am, you gotta toss that noise up into every possible sector of life.
.
.
.
behold!
.
.
princess tomato in the salad kingdom (サラダの国のトマト姫 Salada no Kuni no Tomato Hime).



i love this game. tried to play it on tour once, but gave up.