Breakable news - The Free French!

Goddamnit, today is so fucking dumb. However! Big snacks to CYD follower pal, Elaina Morgan for bringing this desperate not-headline by Michael Levenson to our attention!

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/20/us/fda-french-dressing.html

"French dressing can be easily forgotten..."
Yes, very true. Honestly, I haven't even noticed "French Dressing" since I was in short pants, and I thought "French Dressing" closed, and only Portuguese-speaking people ate at "French Dressings", nor have I tasted this substance since like, elementary school (When I spoke Portuguese?), and that can just be chopped up to a bad call at the cafeteria because I was a child = idiot. And I have never ever seen a French person use this product.

The begging question, void of answer, in this excellent article concerns this statement:
" — a sticky, sweet, carrot-colored blend..."
"Carrot-colored". Yes. But why? Why, why, why is it that colour?

So, then, I actually read the article and it said something like:
"The F.D.A. said consumers had come to expect that French dressing will contain tomato or “tomato-derived ingredients” and will “have a characteristic red or reddish-orange color.”

So then google said some bullshit like:

"And our “French dressing” wasn't French at all! ... I've always loved the reddish American “French” dressing, which is basically a French vinaigrette sauce punched up with tomato ketchup (sometimes tomato soup) and other flavorings such as Worcestershire sauce, garlic and sugar."

Then, blah, blah, blog, it's been determined at CYD, that it is ketchup, but thinner, becuz all the water, and other very stupid stuff.

While Count Yr Dressings has no real "Opinion" on this terrific article, we do support the congressional repeal of the provisions of a federal law criminalizing unauthorized use of Smokey Bear and Woodsy Owl, but still frustrated over the publishing industry's lack of resolve in lobbying to absolve protective rights for the workable attribution "Choose Your Own Adventure".

*For disclosure, Count Yr Dressings has requested special membership status from the Association for Dressings & Sauces. They have not responded by the time of publication.

**Also, chose "Franch" as an unhealthy, but amusing alternative.

***Also also, fuck industry groups. I hope that does not jeopardize any opportunities for future engagement and/or money.

Ranch-ers! REPRESENT...

Well, from the looks of this new online shoppe, it appears that the valley has been discovered...

(bejeweled bottle)

That's right folks, from t-shirts to bejeweled bottles, this Hidden Valley storefront has all your ranch related needs (ahem... wants) covered. Don't forget to pick up a RANCH FOUNTAIN for your next terribly disgusting dinner party!

(bottle coozie)

Right. I'm not a ranch hater or lover. I appreciate the love and dedication that whoevers the fuck put into this.

Then!!, from this article on Delish, I learned that March 10th is "National Ranch Day", so now I'm pissed and retract anything nice I might have said about ranch.

If any dressing deserves a holiday, it's definitely NOT ranch... maybe Franch tho? (celebrated as Thousand Island Day in Canada)??

I can see all the way through this ruse.

The valley isn't so hidden anymore.

The Return of FRANCH...

With the big foods laying in wait tomorrow, do i really need to remind anyone of the wonders of FRANCH and the impact it will have on yr T'givings table?!

Impress yr friend and/or family with worldly excellence in taste.
FRANCH "livens up" any dish... even the really bland, flavorless one that will have you questioning why you even bothered to prepare!

Lucky for you FRANCH has been reborn in this fantastic new guide into culinary outer-limits by: Goatmother Industrial + Table-Blue Brand.

http://www.rebelhandspress.com/lil%20help

Along with so many other exciting food ideas, most of which are about as appropriate for thanksgiving as a boxful of plastic bags would be in a baby's crib.

Viola!