Pop the Cork...

In light of the overtly critical, and straight up negative attack tone of recent C.Y.D. posts, thought to brighten things up for the holiday seasonings, with something I actually like...

Champagne Vinaigrette.

I mean, what good can't come from champagne vinegar??

Quite versatile.

Nothing bests a good homemade recipe of course...

However, Girard's (which resides under the now mildewy corporate umbrella of Marzetti), though entirely different, still kinda has a place in my heart...

as you can see, this bottle is very, very empty.

"What would you say to some champagne?"

"Hello champagne." - Rope / Hitchcock (1948)

Tap that!

Hidden Valley is seemingly boundless in it's array of dumb-ass promotions. This time targeting the ever important 18-25 male demographic, those who have yet to grow into the more refined "Ranch Fountain".

For full disclosure, I have performed 2 keg stands in my life, and I surely have several bro-bo-pals out there that still get wild with their wings... However, they know best not to arrive at this studio with those, or any other tortured, dip-able items.
Conclusion: The keg is kicked.

Dude! Brah! SPOT ME!

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

https://www.flavourgallery.com/products/hidden-valley-ranch-keg

*Thanks to Rob Hessler for calling this out for the cause!
Wash this noise outta yr head and check go out his radness in the link above!

Not in my garden...

Scene: Supermarket.

Item: 1 bottle of Olive Garden Italian Dressing.

Price: $2 (plus $1 off coupon)

...and still I couldn't bring my cheap ass to buy it!
I can't remember (because it's like 20 years), but salad maybe the only okay thing this place does, however...
The thought of seeing that logo staring back at me every time I open the refrigerator was a non-starter. Regardless of price.

I'm not there, and I'm not your fucking family.

.merda.

Trader No's - "Cilantro Salad Dressing"

So bored at work today that I actually looked inside the disgusting refrigerator (which as a general rule I refuse to touch) and discovered this...

Don't get me wrong, I like cilantro, but have a very strong feeling that this is probably terrible.

Dressing intuition.

Ranch-ers! REPRESENT...

Well, from the looks of this new online shoppe, it appears that the valley has been discovered...

(bejeweled bottle)

That's right folks, from t-shirts to bejeweled bottles, this Hidden Valley storefront has all your ranch related needs (ahem... wants) covered. Don't forget to pick up a RANCH FOUNTAIN for your next terribly disgusting dinner party!

(bottle coozie)

Right. I'm not a ranch hater or lover. I appreciate the love and dedication that whoevers the fuck put into this.

Then!!, from this article on Delish, I learned that March 10th is "National Ranch Day", so now I'm pissed and retract anything nice I might have said about ranch.

If any dressing deserves a holiday, it's definitely NOT ranch... maybe Franch tho? (celebrated as Thousand Island Day in Canada)??

I can see all the way through this ruse.

The valley isn't so hidden anymore.

Korean Fusion Salad Taco...

Q- Is it really salad?

A- ...of course it's salad, fool!

Q- Why?

A- Because this is MY f'ing blog!

...Now somebody get me a food truck, stat.

Designed and constructed by artist Erica Ryan Stallones.

Materials: lettuce, noodles, maybe kimchi.

Dressing: pork I believe.

*My daughter needs a horse.

Gourmet Garden- Land of the free...

Sooooooo. This is exactly the type of stuff I NEVER buy (esp. with a name like Gourmet Garden). But guess what...
I didn't! It was free!!

A selection of run-of-the-mill herbs (and spices) available in gel form, or "lightly" dried, found up in the salad zone at market.
I chose basil things, becuz my foreseeable menu required basil things. Label reads that it stays fresh for up to 4 months after opening, which is nice. Also says it's or-gan-ic... like I give a fuck, it was free.

1 TO 5 SCALE:
Taste= 4 (I guess... I mean it's basil)
Uses= ...multiple. (Yes, salad)
Creative Name= 0
Price= 10!

Good while it's lasting...
"Herb Hub": http://www.gourmetgarden.com/en-us/herb-hub

Saladini The Magnificent...

These cardboard bounds were of little match.

From farm to table. 

Then! Suddenly! Poof!

For its next challenge, defy drowning in dressing.

Overpaying customers. Step right on up.

Behold The Great Saladini.

Viola!

You Wish-Bone!

Dear Wish-Bone,

To start, I found this combination of words: "Ristorante Italiano Garlic Parmesan Vinaigrette", ridiculous and ultimately kinda insulting. 

However, at $1.99 a bottle I figured it would least be a good investment for the sole purpose of adding a much needed scathing review on this site.

Adding flecks of "parmesan" (cheese?) + garlic ort does not make this special or separate from the pack in any sense. I mean what's wrong with a title like: "Vinaigrette Dressing With Stuff In it".

Alas, the label reads "Authentic Italian Recipe"... surely stripped straight from the pages of the age old family recipe book of some guy who opened a Fazoli's franchise outside of Cleveland er something.

Yeah, combining water, vinegar, oil (not olive). not a new trick.

Wish-Bone, take it easy. 

Stick with making ranch...

Unless you're interested in buying my "FRANCH" recipe, then yes! please contact:

Jeremy Kennedy: fmsmprc@gmail.com